Came up for air

So, I am in the Eastern part of Bali right now. My original stomping grounds since my first time here in Bali. It was head high yesterday, long lull in between the sets, slightly over cast and slightly mushy. Surprising. If I close my eyes I can recall how I felt as I packed on my gear to paddle out. I look down at my feet. What is under your bare feet as you take step by step. Every step inentional, with weight and strength. I have to be honest and say that my legs have felt weak, timid and unsure of there strength. I haven't been in the water for two weeks. I haven't really surfed in what feels like 2.5 months. So getting into some surf over a coral reef always makes me timid. This small venture to the point....crossing the black sand with gritty coral and pebbles between my toes...., passing three small fishing villages, and new private houses being built...as I carry all my gear to the surf spot. One man recognized me from two years ago, while I was meditating on the beach. So funny, how some things don't change.

As I paddle out the water is not as warm as I thought. It is about the same temp as trunking it in Venutra in the summer. It's over cast. It's been raining the past three days off and on. I catch one wave and it starts to wall up. Good. I need a good beating. Hopefully it will get me to snap out of my funk. It starts to rain. It isn't until this moment that I crack. Weeks of holding it all in....feeling a little vulnerable lately. As the rain beats the water harder it starts to look like a shag carpet. It's just me and four other guys. One Aussie, Two japanese and one Bali boy. I am freezing. Goose bumps...but I can't go. I need another wave......

In that moment as it rained....I laughed, and I cried. I laugh because I love odd moments like this. It's raining and I get to surf in the rain on a tropical island. It's just so silly. Organized caos. Sunny one moment and raining another. I cried. I cried because I can't control any of this. I can't take back the shit that has gone wrong in the last two weeks. I can't be mad at myself for wanting to change things and wanting them to be different. That maybe I could have worked smarter, or been more efficient. Have I worked hard enough? Have I? I don't know. I am the type of person that always thinks I can work harder. Letting go of expectations....I let go in that moment with the rain penetrating my skin. Masking my tears and allowing me a moment to fall apart and have some grace at the same time. It's funny how mother nature knows exactly what you need.

I needed that....I totally needed that.

So tomorrow it is off to Amed. Friday I am off to Tulamben. Saturday I head back home, with a short visit to Padang Bai on my way back to Sanur.
Then, dropping a reef on Sunday. Then hopefully some more diving next week.

I can't get to my Facebook at this time, so my appologies for any updates.

I have attached a picture of my little Balinese cuties, Komang's niece and nephew. They live next door to my room in Sanur. The boy cries quite a bit...But when I come home they always want me to take there picture, and now it has grown to them and their friends. The small mass of children is growing. Yesterday was Komang's nephew's fifth birthday. I got him some Hotwheels cars. He loved them!! I love them too.